Yesterday, and the days before were soo cloudy even though the sun here in Port Moresby (Papua New Guinean) was hot. I was cold, I had the chills and couldn’t breath and think with a clear mind, all because I was anxious and worried alot.
I lost myself for a moment, I had episodes of blank thoughts and caught myself day dreaming alot. It was difficult to even put a smile on my face and I dread the question “how are you”, that simple question was soo hard to answer. But I dug deep with all my strength, gave a beautifully fake smile and said “I’m good thank you”. I never thought I would struggle to respond to that simple question, but I did.
Who is this person, I didn’t even recognise myself, even when I look into the mirror. I saw a scared, and anxious young woman who was like a hermit crab that crawls back into its shell when face with a slight light of laughter and love. She was someone I never saw and never thought existed. All she could do was to worry and cry.
But deep down there was a fire of hope that was struggling to light up but wasn’t given the space to burn. The cold winds around kept putting the fire off. That was when I told myself to not prepend that everything was okay when it wasn’t.
With no one to talk to without the fear of being judgement, I got on my knees.
On my knees I felt small, I felt free, I felt comforted, I felt I could say things as they are and not cover up. I took the chance and told God every thing I could without sugar coating them. While on my knees God came through, showing and telling me I am not alone and that his plan for my life is not worrying, feeling scared or anxious but of happiness in its true form. Life of love, forgiveness, laughter and days full of sun shine. He was there!
I can not find the words to describe how he came through for me, and yes he did. In his scriptures, songs, prayers, in my family and my friends, he founds ways to show me I was loved and that he knows exactly what I was going through and feels what I am feeling deep down in my dark caved heart.
He came through, giving me strength and telling me to give him everything and to depend on him with faith and believe that everything was going to be okay. And than, I felt a peace that I never felt before, peace from above that erased all the second guessing, worrying, anger and hurt. He came through! His timing is always perfect.
My God is amazing, loving and has the best plan for me and you. And he thought me to lean on him and him alone, because I can not do it on my own. I needed and still need his divine hands to carry me across this rugged ridge of these negative emotions.
All we could do is to be like Peter and ask for his help, he is always there to help.
He came through!